Facebook Woes
By
Nandini K
Submitted On December 18, 2014
Promila was happily married to Arun for 10 years. The couple with
two beautiful children had recently moved to a brand new house and
everything was going perfect. However, one day, Promila opened her
Facebook account as usual and, to her surprise, found a friend request
from an old flame. It had been many years since she had seen him or
heard about him, and such a sudden encounter tempted her to accept his
request quickly.
As Arun left her 6 months after this incident, without a house or her children, she regretted that one second, when she had clicked the mouse over the 'accept' button. She wished she hadn't responded to this man's messages, e-mails and later, phone calls. She found herself caught in a whirlwind of emotions and then, falling for this man again. What she had forgotten was that now she had a family which was at stake because of her rash decisions. This man was married as well and disappeared from her life, just like before, when trouble began.
Although Promila's story is sad, it is not uncommon in today's life to meet, see or hear about people who cheat behind their partner's back with the help of Facebook. There are surveys, researches and studies all over the world which have revealed this ugly side of the popular networking site. One prominent example is a recent study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which found out that 1 out of every 5 divorces taking place in the US claim Facebook as the culprit. It is shocking news which makes us all to take a look at the changing face of social networking.
So why has it become so easy for people to goof up behind the backs of their loved ones and more importantly, how can it be stopped? Here are the chief reasons and ways to handle a crisis that arises with Facebook.
Chief reasons for increasing numbers of Facebook Affairs:
• No need for Disclosure : The number one draw for such an unsought behavior is that in the virtual world, people can pretend to be anything they fantasize to be, all they need is a fake photograph and a few lies to go along with it. People can hide their faces, age, professions and of course their marital status easily on Facebook which gives them an advantage over a real situation, where they have to disclose at least their physical attributes.
• Easy gratification and less effort required: Earlier, it had to be a chance encounter with someone and the courage to take it further, which required a lot of contemplation and efforts. Here in the world of quick gratification, one can hook up with someone at the click of a button.
• Secrecy: The secrecy Facebook and other social network provide also make the person more confident as they think they can never be caught. Whenever someone happens to be around, all they have to do is shut the chat window and everything disappears.
There may be many more reasons like a person's personality, a desire to take revenge or the sheer convenience of it, but the most important ones remain feasibility and secrecy.
If you have questions in your mind regarding your partner's conduct online then you may observe certain characteristic pattern.
Signs your partner may be keeping something from you:
Everybody knows that one is innocent until proven guilty, but it doesn't stop you from being a little attentive and keeping a tab on your spouse. Here are some signs that may help you:
• Keeping the virtual life a secret: If your spouse keeps everything locked with passwords and pin numbers, which even you don't have access to, then it may be because he/she has something to hide. This also includes switching web pages or closing the machine altogether as soon as you enter the room.
• Multiple e-mail accounts: If your partner has multiple e-mail accounts or new accounts and would not share its passwords with you then consider it a red flag.
• Being online for very long period of time: This one may be tricky, because some of us are addicted to internet and keep on looking for new recipes, shopping or chatting to friends. But if your partner needs to be online more when you are not around or when you have slept or he/she is spending his/her free time (which could be spent with you) on the internet then something fishy may be going on.
• Behavior: This is one of the surest ways to tell if you partner is lying or cheating. If you see a sudden change in your spouse's behavior, like being defensive or fighting over small matters whenever you bring up this topic, then chances are that your partner is lying to you about something.
If you do have serious doubts about your partner's secret online life, then it's not too late to act.
Saving your relationship from a Facebook Affair:
• Set rules: It is imperative that you and your spouse set limits of what is right and wrong behavior. It may be that your partner does not think that being involved with someone online can be called cheating, but if it feels like cheating to you, you should set the limits. There is no reason or use to get into an argument about what the "world" thinks about what is acceptable and what is not. The important thing is what you and your partner thinks about it.
• Open communication: There must be no secrets between you and your partner. If you have to delete some messages in your inbox so that your spouse doesn't see, then you are well on your way to becoming a cheater. Same applies to your partner. There must not be any fake profiles, multiple emails or accounts of which you have no knowledge about. If there is nothing to hide, your partner must not hide. It is as simple as that. A need for privacy or own space are some of the excuses people use to hide their infidelity.
• Balancing virtual and real life: For a healthy relationship to flourish, two people must spend time with each other and do constructive things together. If all you get are unenthusiastic replies from your partner from behind the laptop screen, then neither of you would be motivated to work on the relationship. A relationship needs to be worked upon, not just when it's on a rough patch, but also when it's sailing smoothly. Limiting time spent on Facebook and spending more time with your family in the real life will make your relationship healthy.
It is sometimes said that a person who wants to cheat will find a way to cheat. But that doesn't mean he/she should be given the temptation. Keeping your eyes open and being observant may save you and your spouse a lot of trouble afterwards. As far as Facebook is concerned, it was designed for the purpose to help, entertain and bring people together, what we don't want it to become is a 'Cheatbook'. It may require a little self control, but once you and your partner are out of this baffling virtual life, the feeling would be worth it.
As Arun left her 6 months after this incident, without a house or her children, she regretted that one second, when she had clicked the mouse over the 'accept' button. She wished she hadn't responded to this man's messages, e-mails and later, phone calls. She found herself caught in a whirlwind of emotions and then, falling for this man again. What she had forgotten was that now she had a family which was at stake because of her rash decisions. This man was married as well and disappeared from her life, just like before, when trouble began.
Although Promila's story is sad, it is not uncommon in today's life to meet, see or hear about people who cheat behind their partner's back with the help of Facebook. There are surveys, researches and studies all over the world which have revealed this ugly side of the popular networking site. One prominent example is a recent study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which found out that 1 out of every 5 divorces taking place in the US claim Facebook as the culprit. It is shocking news which makes us all to take a look at the changing face of social networking.
So why has it become so easy for people to goof up behind the backs of their loved ones and more importantly, how can it be stopped? Here are the chief reasons and ways to handle a crisis that arises with Facebook.
Chief reasons for increasing numbers of Facebook Affairs:
• No need for Disclosure : The number one draw for such an unsought behavior is that in the virtual world, people can pretend to be anything they fantasize to be, all they need is a fake photograph and a few lies to go along with it. People can hide their faces, age, professions and of course their marital status easily on Facebook which gives them an advantage over a real situation, where they have to disclose at least their physical attributes.
• Easy gratification and less effort required: Earlier, it had to be a chance encounter with someone and the courage to take it further, which required a lot of contemplation and efforts. Here in the world of quick gratification, one can hook up with someone at the click of a button.
• Secrecy: The secrecy Facebook and other social network provide also make the person more confident as they think they can never be caught. Whenever someone happens to be around, all they have to do is shut the chat window and everything disappears.
There may be many more reasons like a person's personality, a desire to take revenge or the sheer convenience of it, but the most important ones remain feasibility and secrecy.
If you have questions in your mind regarding your partner's conduct online then you may observe certain characteristic pattern.
Signs your partner may be keeping something from you:
Everybody knows that one is innocent until proven guilty, but it doesn't stop you from being a little attentive and keeping a tab on your spouse. Here are some signs that may help you:
• Keeping the virtual life a secret: If your spouse keeps everything locked with passwords and pin numbers, which even you don't have access to, then it may be because he/she has something to hide. This also includes switching web pages or closing the machine altogether as soon as you enter the room.
• Multiple e-mail accounts: If your partner has multiple e-mail accounts or new accounts and would not share its passwords with you then consider it a red flag.
• Being online for very long period of time: This one may be tricky, because some of us are addicted to internet and keep on looking for new recipes, shopping or chatting to friends. But if your partner needs to be online more when you are not around or when you have slept or he/she is spending his/her free time (which could be spent with you) on the internet then something fishy may be going on.
• Behavior: This is one of the surest ways to tell if you partner is lying or cheating. If you see a sudden change in your spouse's behavior, like being defensive or fighting over small matters whenever you bring up this topic, then chances are that your partner is lying to you about something.
If you do have serious doubts about your partner's secret online life, then it's not too late to act.
Saving your relationship from a Facebook Affair:
• Set rules: It is imperative that you and your spouse set limits of what is right and wrong behavior. It may be that your partner does not think that being involved with someone online can be called cheating, but if it feels like cheating to you, you should set the limits. There is no reason or use to get into an argument about what the "world" thinks about what is acceptable and what is not. The important thing is what you and your partner thinks about it.
• Open communication: There must be no secrets between you and your partner. If you have to delete some messages in your inbox so that your spouse doesn't see, then you are well on your way to becoming a cheater. Same applies to your partner. There must not be any fake profiles, multiple emails or accounts of which you have no knowledge about. If there is nothing to hide, your partner must not hide. It is as simple as that. A need for privacy or own space are some of the excuses people use to hide their infidelity.
• Balancing virtual and real life: For a healthy relationship to flourish, two people must spend time with each other and do constructive things together. If all you get are unenthusiastic replies from your partner from behind the laptop screen, then neither of you would be motivated to work on the relationship. A relationship needs to be worked upon, not just when it's on a rough patch, but also when it's sailing smoothly. Limiting time spent on Facebook and spending more time with your family in the real life will make your relationship healthy.
It is sometimes said that a person who wants to cheat will find a way to cheat. But that doesn't mean he/she should be given the temptation. Keeping your eyes open and being observant may save you and your spouse a lot of trouble afterwards. As far as Facebook is concerned, it was designed for the purpose to help, entertain and bring people together, what we don't want it to become is a 'Cheatbook'. It may require a little self control, but once you and your partner are out of this baffling virtual life, the feeling would be worth it.
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